.Ways to dodge the L-bomb.
-Tuesday, August 29, 2006-
She dropped the scariest words in a relationship on you, and now you have roughly five seconds to react if you want anything left of it when the dust settles. Certainly the best response to an unexpected “I love you” is honesty -- if you're not willing to return the assertion, tell her that’s the case and explain why -- but hey, all’s fair in love and war. Besides, nobody said you were perfect; let he who is without sin cast the first engagement ring.
Number 10 Respond with a less committal remark Responding with a toned-down “I really care about you” is probably the next best thing to being straight up with her on your feelings about the big "I love you." It may actually be even better since your position here is stated simply and isn't really conducive to further conversation. Sure, she's bound to be a little put out by this half-stepper, but she'll also be getting the message in a caring and reciprocated manner.
Success rate: 82%
Number 9 Lighten the atmosphere This is a preventive measure -- forget it if the words have already left her mouth. But if you see them coming, cracking a joke or doing whatever else has gotten a laugh in the past can be just enough to ground some of the electricity in the air. It can be tough to rustle up your A-game on such short notice, but try not to sound forced. If she's the intuitive type (what girlfriend isn't?), she may smell a rat… one of the commitment-fearing variety.
Success rate: 68%
Number 8 Tell her something serious and personal If your comment is serious and personal enough, it will detract from the moment. It will also help get you out of trouble for not addressing her endearing statement -- clearly you were struggling with this other thought far too deeply to have been paying attention at the time. Be careful, though: Her being there for you in your time of need can be like having a giant, radioactive "X" on your rooftop during an “I love you” air raid.
Success rate: 76%
Number 7 Kiss her The timeless response. Not as good as saying “I love you too,” but good nonetheless. Unless she's exceptionally domineering, she'll understand the position you're taking on the issue, and unless she's exceptionally cruel, no further discussion will be necessary -- at least not right then.
Success rate: 77%
Number 6 Tell her your “Crazy Girlfriend” story Sort of like taking up residence in a bomb shelter, telling your girlfriend this story should push back your risk of being told “I love you” for at least a couple of months. It's probably a good idea to get this one out about four weeks into your relationship if you've found yourself susceptible to preemptive “I love you” in the past, but in any case, you have to tell it before she says it. The story is simple: You had a girlfriend who dropped the words too early and it ruined the relationship. Even after adding the pertinent details, you still might be able to get it out in a single sentence. The effects won’t last forever, but it will give her a good idea that speaking the words too early can have repercussions.
Success rate: 90%
Number 5 Cry How badly would you like to avoid repeating those words back to her? If the desire is strong enough, you'll find the tears. This is an especially good getaway: Not only will you have plenty of time to come up with a reason for the waterworks (really open up the blubber valve if your story isn’t in order when she asks what’s wrong), but she’ll probably never attempt saying it again before you do.
Success rate: 89%
Number 4 Say “I’ve been hurt” This is a nearly infallible defense. No matter what assurance she gives you that she's not like that other girl, you still don't have to say the words back. Just as with turning on the tears, you will buy yourself several months of safety. Note: This phrase also functions as a spectacular “let's just be friends” speech intro.
Success rate: 95%
Number 3 Make a mess Got a drink? Drop it. Potted plant within arm's reach? Swat it. The bigger the mess, the better -- especially if it gets on the carpet. Between the hard scrubbing and making yourself look like an oaf, she'll probably be relieved you didn't complete the verbal transaction of love. This, of course, is only one of the innumerable Hail Marys you can lob if the situation is code red. When the circumstances are dire, don't be afraid to use your imagination.
Success rate: 74%
Number 2 Call her on it If it is way too early in the relationship for these words (for example, within the first three months), tell her. You know it; so should she. Like the other brutally honest approach (see No. 1), she's not going to break out into a cheerleading routine to celebrate your move. She will, however, probably understand, accept and appreciate your position. If nothing else, it will show her that you don't take the sharing of this phrase lightly, so when you do choose to speak it, it will be all the more meaningful.
Success rate: 88%
Number 1 Be straightforward If your sense of honesty overpowers your fear of hurting her feelings (and if she’s not as needy as a newborn poodle), this is the way to go. If you're going to do it, though, rip right through it like the Band-Aid it is -- you’ve given up your right to beat around the bush. She might be a little hurt, but she'll also respect your choice to be so forward and truthful, and the issue will likely be put to rest until you're ready to be the one mouthing those magical words.
Success rate: 85%
defusing the l-bomb Love is the natural end product of any successful relationship, but just like trimming your nether regions during an earthquake, it's a process that shouldn’t be rushed. Saying “I love you” too early can put a strain on both people, changing their expectations of themselves and of each other -- not to mention devaluing the words before they truly have meaning. The best response to an unexpected “I love you” is to tell her exactly where you're at. But that’s not always easy to do, and considering the alternative (lying outright by saying “I love you” back), skirting the issue by one of the above-mentioned methods is without a doubt the lesser of two evils.
